Apologizing. Beatty Style.
“Apologizing does not always mean you're wrong and the other person is right. It just means you value your relationship more than your ego.”
― Mark Matthews
It’s here! But first a quick summarization of what we’re diving into straight from the authors brains. Counselor and anthropologist, Dr. Gary Chapman and psychologist, Dr. Jennifer Thomas help us understand the apologies as follows:
What most people are looking for in an apology is sincerity. They want the apology to be genuine, but how do you determine sincerity? Therein lies the problem. The evidence of sincerity differs from person to person. What one person considers to be sincere is not what another person considers to be sincere. Our research has led us to the conclusion that there are five basic elements of an apology. We call them the five languages of an apology. For most people, one or two of these speak more deeply of sincerity than the others. You do not need to include all five languages to offer an effective apology. For an apology to be accepted, you need to speak the language (or perhaps two languages) that conveys to the offended your sincerity. Then he or she will regard your apology as genuine and will likely accept it.
Mom, Doug, Cameron, and Brooke all have “Make Restitution” as their highest apology language. Aaron had a tie for his top-two Apology Languages—one he shares with Dad for their top, Accept Responsibility, and the other he shares with mom for her other top language, Expressing Regret. (It was fascinating for me to see that Cameron and Dougie actually have the exact same order for all of their apology language rankings. What a great apologetic couple you two make!).
The Family’s Apology Languages
Let’s face it. Sometimes people just need an apology to move on from something. May we learn from our stubborn-ass grandmothers. If no one’s willing to apologize, grudges form and turn into a family being estranged from their East Coast relatives or materialize as not showing up for someone on their death bed, etc.
Read about each of us below to learn the phrases we need to hear in order to accept an apology. (I’ve placed them in the apology order most important to each individual underneath their name).
But first, a breakdown of the 5 Apology Languages from growingself.com accompanied by a Line Chart, Bar Chart, and Pie Chart of all of our individual preferences clumped together in my attempt to cover the way you process visual data best.
Make Restitution: This apology language requires justification or explanation for the person’s wrongdoing. If this is your apology language, you want to hear from your partner that they still love you, even after feeling hurt. Effective restitution requires learning the love language of your loved one and speaking it as a part of your apology. Essentially, you’re looking for assurance that your partner still cares and is attempting to assure you by meeting your needs in the ways that are most important to you. If restitution is the primary apology language of an individual, then this becomes the most important part of the apology. "I'm sorry; I was wrong' will never be taken as sincere if these words are not accompanied by a sincere effort at restitution. They wait for the assurance that you still genuinely love them. Without your effort to make amends, the apology will not have the desired results of forgiveness and reconciliation.
Accepting Responsibility: This apology language requires the person apologizing to admit they were wrong and accept responsibility for their wrongdoing. This can be difficult for us to do as it is challenging to admit to your mistakes, especially if those mistakes have caused pain to someone else. However, if this is your apology language, you are looking for a genuine apology that accepts responsibility and does not attempt to make excuses or justifications. For an apology to feel genuine, you need the other person to simply say “I am wrong,” without further explanation.
Expressing Regret: This apology language focuses on the emotional hurt you’ve experienced from the other person’s actions or behavior. Focusing on emotional hurt means that hearing a genuine “I’m sorry” goes a long way for you. When someone is expressing regret, you feel that they are expressing the guilt and shame they feel for hurting you or causing you pain. You are not looking for “the next step” in how to fix the problem; you are looking for the person who’s hurt you to own the emotional hurt they’ve caused.
Genuinely Repent: This apology language focuses on how the person apologizing will modify their behavior in future similar situations. Not only is there a genuine apology for the pain caused, but also verbalization for the desire to change. Genuinely repenting takes an extra step towards change, as you need to hear the person express they want to change and set realistic goals for how they will make those changes. Unlike expressing regret, you ARE looking for that “next step” and how your partner will ensure this does not happen again.
Request Forgiveness: This apology language is all about asking for forgiveness and giving your partner space to decide if they forgive you. If this is your love language, it is meaningful to you for your partner to actually ask for your forgiveness. Requesting forgiveness is much different than demanding forgiveness. The key to requesting forgiveness is to allow the hurt partner to make the final decision, rather than force it upon them. By demanding forgiveness, you are taking away the sincerity if forgiveness is given.
“An apology is the superglue of life! It can repair just about anything!!”
― Lynn Johnston
DAD
6 Accept Responsibility
4 Expressing Regret
4 Make Restitution
4 Request Forgiveness
2 Genuinely Repent
“[I]t is dangerous for a bride to be apologetic about her husband.”― Wallace Stegner, Angle of Repose
Dad’s top Apology Language is Accepting Responsibility. The pep talk we need to speak Dad’s Apology Language boldly and maturely can be sourced from two different excerpts from the book, The Five Languages of Apology as follows:
Mature adults learn to accept responsibility for their behavior, whereas immature adults continue with childish fantasies and tend to blame others for their mistakes. At the heart of accepting responsibility for one's behavior is the willingness to admit, "I was wrong." Paul J. Meyer, founder of Success Motivation, Inc., and co-author of Chicken Soup for the Golden Soul said, "One of the most important success factors is the willingness to admit that you were wrong." I agree with Spencer Johnson, M.D., who said, "Few things are more powerful than having the common sense, wisdom, and strength to admit when you've made a mistake and to set things right." Learning to say "I was wrong" is a major step toward becoming a responsible and successful adult.
While growing up, Pam's dad told her that a wise person is willing to accept responsibility for his or her mistakes. "I'll never forget what he said, "All of us make mistakes, but the only mistake that will destroy you is the one you are unwilling to admit.”
Click on Accept Responsibility to see 10 example phrases for properly wording an apology to Dad. (And half of Aaron’s needed language).
MOM
7 Expressing Regret
7 Make Restitution
5 Genuinely Repent
1 Accept Responsibility
0 Request Forgiveness
Mom needs two equal actions in order to hear and accept an apology:
Effective restitution requires understanding that Mom’s primary Love Language, Acts of Service, needs to be a part of your apology to her. This love language is based on the old axiom "Actions speak louder than words." For these people, love is demonstrated by thoughtful acts of kindness. (Do it right away, willingly). Vacuuming a floor, washing, drying, and putting away the dishes, steal the keys and wash the car, stripping, washing, drying, and replacing bedsheets once a week, and washing the dogs are all acts of service. For those individuals for whom this is their primary love language, nothing reassures them of your love like acts of service.
2. Mom will listen for the words “I’m sorry” in your apology to her. Without the expression of regret, she can not sense that the apology is adequate or sincere. It is important that our body language agree with the words we’re saying if we expect her to sense our sincerity. An apology has more impact when it’s specific. The details reveal the depth of your understanding of the situation and how much you inconvenienced Mom.
Sincere regret also needs to stand alone. It should not be followed with “But…”. Anytime we verbally shift the blame to the other person, we have moved from an apology to an attack. Attacks never lead to forgiveness and reconciliation.
Writing a letter of apology may help to underscore your sincerity. Putting your apology in writing may give it more emotional weight, because Mom can read it again and again. The process of writing may also help you clarify your regrets and verbalize them in a positive way.
If you want Mom to sense your sincerity, then you must learn to speak the language of regret, which focuses on her pain and your behavior and how the two are related. It is communicating to her that you feel hurt because you know your actions have hurt her. It is this identification with her pain that stimulates in her a willingness to forgive.
Click on Expressing Regret and Make Restitution to see 11 total example-phrases for properly wording an apology to Mom. (And half of Aaron’s needed language as well).
“Sorry I painted the word 'twat' on your garage door.”
― David Shrigley
DOUG
7Make Restitution
5Accept Responsibility
4Expressing Regret
3Request Forgiveness
1Genuinely Repent
Effective restitution requires understanding that Dougie’s primary Love Language, Words of Affirmation, needs to be the biggest part of your apology to him. This love language is using words to affirm him. "Lululemon should pay you to wear that outfit"; "I really appreciate you spending the time to answer the phone and talk despite your busy schedule"; "You are so thoughtful when you spend your strategy-efforts on my wellbeing. That effort does not go unnoticed"; "Every day I am reminded of how much I love you"; “Your constant ascension is inspiring.” "I really appreciate you paying for Grandma’s monthly Medicare expense. I know it takes buy-in from your wife, transactional effort, and your own money, and I really appreciate what you’re doing for her." “It means so much that you take the time to care for your body. It looks great and you’re one efficient machine.” Using words to affirm Doug may focus on his personality, behavior, dress, accomplishments, or beauty. The important thing is that words communicate verbally your affection and appreciation for him.
Two research examples of people for whom words of affirmation is their primary love language and how hearing those words made their partner's efforts at restitution successful:
"I know that Brad's apology is sincere when he retracts his hurtful words and then tells me how much he loves me. Sometimes he goes to the extreme in telling me how wonderful I am and how sorry he is that he hurt me. I guess he knows that it takes a lot of positive words to make up for the hurtful things he has said."
We had been discussing apologies at a seminar, and Tim said of his wife, "It's those words 'You are so wonderful' that get me. I've never failed to forgive her because I know she's sincere. We all make mistakes; I don't expect her to be perfect. But it sure feels good when she tells me how wonderful I am while asking me to forgive her."
For Tim, words of affirmation reflect his primary love language and that's his favorite part of an apology. It's all the restitution he needs. What works for Tim also works well for Dougie, but it wouldn’t hurt to add a big dollop of Accept Responsibility for you and Doug to be good to go.
Click on Make Restitution to see 6 example-phrases for properly wording an apology to Doug. (And Cameron, and half of Brooke’s needed language as well).
“Apologies require vulnerability.”
― Jennifer Thomas
AARON:
7 Accept Responsibility
7 Expressing Regret
5 Genuinely Repent
1 Request Forgiveness
0 Make Restitution
Aaron needs two equal actions in order to hear and accept an apology, Accept Responsibility and Expressing Regret. Since stories leave a stronger impression than intellect alone, Aaron’s top Apology Languages can be sewn together perfectly through an excerpt from the book, The Five Languages of Apology:
Talk-show host Oprah Winfrey surprised her national television audience on January 26, 2006, by opening her program with these words: "I made a mistake." Winfrey was apologizing for defending an author who fictionalized many parts of his memoir, A Million Little Pieces. Her defense of James Frey on Larry King Live after Frey was found to have altered facts and misled readers alienated many of her supporters as well as book critics who found his stretching of the truth in a nonfiction work inexcusable.
Winfrey continued, "By defending Mr. Frey, I left the impression that the truth does not matter, and I am deeply sorry about that because that is not what I believe." Winfrey's apology included apology language #1, Expressing Regret, as well as apology language #2, Accepting Responsibility.
By accepting responsibility for her actions, Oprah restored her respect among many who were offended. In fact, several media columnists said her willingness to respond to the concerns of her audience is what continues to make her the successful daytime host--and person--she is. William Bastone, editor of The Smoking Gun, who had originally discovered some of the inconsistencies in Mr. Frey's book, said of Oprah's apology, "For someone like her to acknowledge that she made a mistake like that speaks really well of her. You don't often see someone of her stature admit a major mistake and apologize to her audience."
Oprah's apology reminds us that even the rich and famous need to accept responsibility for their actions and express regret.
“A genuine apology is like an eleventh-hour rain on a dusty crop. Grossly overdue, but miraculously just in time.”
― Jacqueline A Bussie
CAMERON:
7 Make Restitution
6 Accept Responsibility
5 Expressing Regret
2 Request Forgiveness
0 Genuinely Repent
Effective restitution requires understanding that Cameron’s primary Love Language, Words of Affirmation, needs to be the biggest part of your apology to him. This love language is using words to affirm him. "That outfit looks great on you"; "I really appreciate your personalized gifts; you’re the best gift giver of all time"; "Thank you for always protecting me"; "I really appreciate you spending money and a day of travel to fly home. I know it takes a lot of time and energy, and I really appreciate it." “You are very thoughtful and generous.” “It takes a lot of gusto to move to a new state, start a new job, open up a new ER, and continue to crush your graduate studies, too.” Using words to affirm Cameron may focus on his personality, behavior, dress, accomplishments, or beauty. The important thing is that words communicate verbally your affection and appreciation for him.
Two research examples of people for whom words of affirmation is their primary love language and how hearing those words made their partner's efforts at restitution successful:
"I know that Brad's apology is sincere when he retracts his hurtful words and then tells me how much he loves me. Sometimes he goes to the extreme in telling me how wonderful I am and how sorry he is that he hurt me. I guess he knows that it takes a lot of positive words to make up for the hurtful things he has said."
We had been discussing apologies at a seminar, and Tim said of his wife, "It's those words 'You are so wonderful' that get me. I've never failed to forgive her because I know she's sincere. We all make mistakes; I don't expect her to be perfect. But it sure feels good when she tells me how wonderful I am while asking me to forgive her."
For Tim, words of affirmation reflect his primary love language and that's his favorite part of an apology. It's all the restitution he needs. What works for Tim also works well for Cameron, but it may help to add a big dollop of Accept Responsibility so that you and Cameron are fully good to go.
Click on Make Restitution to see 6 example-phrases for properly wording an apology to Cameron. (And Doug, and half of Brooke’s needed language as well).
“The art of a sincere and heartfelt apology is one of the greatest skills you will ever learn.”
― Jeanette LeBlanc
BROOKE:
8 Make Restitution
8 Genuinely Repent
3 Accept Responsibility
1 Expressing Regret
0 Request Forgiveness
Brooke needs two equal actions in order to hear and accept an apology:
Effective restitution requires understanding that Brooke’s primary Love Language, Words of Affirmation, needs to be a part of your apology to her. This love language is using words to affirm her. "That looks good on you"; "I really appreciate you going out of your way to always help with the emotional well-being of our family"; "You are so thoughtful"; "Every day I am reminded of how much I love you"; "I really appreciate your sense of humor. Clever girl.” “I know how deeply and often you think of others and how you can help them; I appreciate your tender heart.” Using words to affirm the other person may focus on her personality, behavior, dress, accomplishments, or beauty. The important thing is that words communicate verbally your affection and appreciation for the person.
Two research examples of people for whom words of affirmation is their primary love language and how hearing those words made their partner's efforts at restitution successful:
"I know that Brad's apology is sincere when he retracts his hurtful words and then tells me how much he loves me. Sometimes he goes to the extreme in telling me how wonderful I am and how sorry he is that he hurt me. I guess he knows that it takes a lot of positive words to make up for the hurtful things he has said."
We had been discussing apologies at a seminar, and Tim said of his wife, "It's those words 'You are so wonderful' that get me. I've never failed to forgive her because I know she's sincere. We all make mistakes; I don't expect her to be perfect. But it sure feels good when she tells me how wonderful I am while asking me to forgive her."
For Tim, words of affirmation reflect his primary love language and that's his favorite part of an apology. It's all the restitution he needs but Brooke also needs this to be equally matched with Genuine Repentance…
2. In the context of an apology, Genuine Repentance means that an individual realizes that his or her present behavior is destructive. The person regrets the pain he or she is causing the other person, and he chooses to change his behavior. It is saying, "I'll try not to do this again." What people who've been hurt want to know is, "Do you intend to change, or will this happen again next week?"
The bigger question is, "What if you fail to verbalize your intention to change?" Your philosophy may be, "Just make the changes; don't talk about them." The problem with that approach is that Brooke cannot read your mind. She doesn't know that in your heart you have decided to make changes. It may take weeks or months for her to observe the changes, but even then they may not know what motivated the changes. When apologizing, it is far better to state your intention to change. Then she knows that you truly recognize that your behavior is wrong--and that you fully intend to change the behavior.
It is perfectly fine to tell her that you hope she will be patient with you because you know you will not be 100 percent successful immediately, but that it is your intention to change this destructive behavior. Now Brooke knows your intention and senses that your apology is sincere so she can now forgive you even before the changes are actually made.
The second step down the road of repentance is developing a plan for implementing change. Often apologies fail to be successful in restoring the relationship because there is no plan for making positive changes.
The third step down the road of repentance is implementing the plan. A plan that is not implemented is like a seed that is not planted. Making the plan work requires thought and action.
Writing it down helps make the plan concrete and specific rather than general. For example, a general plan would be, "I will try not to blame her for my negative emotions." A more specific plan might be, "I will start my sentences with 'I' rather than 'you.'" Example: "I feel angry," rather than "You make me angry." This is a plan that you are more likely to implement because it is specific. Following through with the plan gives evidence to the offended party that your apology was sincere.
Most people do not expect perfection after an apology, but they do expect to see effort. When the offender gives up quickly after a failure and reverts to old behavior with no further effort to change, the apology is considered insincere. The person who apologizes may be sincere at the moment, but failure to follow through with repentance renders the apology empty. This is especially true for the person whose primary apology language is repentance.
Thus, expressing your desire to change and coming up with a plan is an extremely important part of an apology to Brookie. Inviting her to help you come up with a plan for change is perhaps the best way to effectively show repentance. As Dr. Chapman says, “Don't allow the fear of failure to keep you from taking the first steps down the road of repentance and success. If this is the other person's primary apology language, nothing will take the place of the words "I'm really going to try hard to change this behavior." Then developing a plan and following that plan leads you further down the road to success and the healing of past hurts.”
Click on Make Restitution and Genuinely Repent to see 12 total example-phrases for properly wording an apology to Brookie. (And Doug and Cameron, as well).
Make Restitution sounds like,
``Is there anything I can do to make up for what I have done?
``I know I have hurt you deeply, and I feel like I should do something to repay you for the hurt I've caused. Can you give me a suggestion?
``I don't feel right just saying "I'm sorry." I want to make up for what I've done. What would you consider appropriate?
``I know that I've inconvenienced you. May I give you some of my time to balance things out?
``I regret that I've damaged your honor. May I make a (public) correction?
``I've broken this promise a million times. Would you like for me to put my commitment to you in writing this time?
Accept Responsibility sounds like,
"I'm sorry. I was wrong.” Or “It was my fault." Or “I should not have done that.” Or “I have no excuse for that.” Or “I take full responsibility.”
“ I know that what I did was wrong. I could try to excuse myself, but there is no excuse. Pure and simple, what I did was selfish and wrong.
“I made a mistake. At the time, I didn’t think much about what I was doing. But in retrospect, I guess that’s the problem. I wish I had thought before I acted. What I did was wrong.
``The way I spoke to you was wrong. It was harsh and untrue. I spoke out of anger, trying to justify myself. The way I talked to you was unkind and unloving. I hope you will forgive me.
``I repeated a mistake that we’ve discussed before. I really messed up. I know that it was my fault.
Expressing Regret sounds like,
“I know now that I hurt you very deeply. That causes me immense pain. I am truly sorry for what I did.”
“I feel really bad that I disappointed you. I should have been more thoughtful. I’m sorry that I caused you so much pain.”
“At the time, obviously I was not thinking very well. I never intended to hurt you, but now I can see that my words were way out of line. I’m sorry that I was so insensitive.”
“I am sorry that I violated your trust. I’ve created a roadblock in our relationship that I want to remove. I understand that even after I apologize, it may take awile for you to venture down the road of trust with me again.”
“You were promised a service that we have not provided. I am sorry that our company clearly dropped the ball this time.”
…
And don’t ever end with the word “but.”
Genuinely Repent sounds like,
``I know that my behavior was very painful to you. I don’t ever want to do that again. I’m open to any ideas you have on how I might change my behavior.
``How could I say that in a different way that would not come across as critical?
``I know that what I am doing is not helpful. What would you like to see me change that would make this better for you?
``I really do want to change. I know I’m not going to be perfect, but I really want to try to change this behavior. Would you be willing to remind me if I revert to my old patterns? Just say ‘relapse.’ I think that will help me to stop and change my direction.”
``I let you down by making the same mistake again. What would it take for you to begin to rebuild your trust in me?
``This is such a long-term pattern for me. While I want to change, I know it will be hard, and I may fail, hurting you again along the way. I would really appreciate it if you would help me think about a way to help my changes stick and encourage me when you see me doing things that help. Can I count on you to be my teammate in this?
Request Forgiveness sounds like,
“I’m sorry. Please forgive me.”
``I’m sorry for the way I spoke to you. I know it was loud and harsh. You didn’t deserve that. It was very wrong of me, and I want to ask you to forgive me.
``I know that what I did hurt you very deeply. You have every right never to speak to me again, but I am truly sorry for what I did. And I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
``I didn’t intend to hurt you but obviously I have. I realize that now, and I see that my actions were wrong even though I was just trying to have fun. It’s never right to have fun if someone gets hurt. I promise you I will try to never do that again. And I want to ask you if you will please forgive me.
From the chapter, Apologizing Is a Choice
What if I don't want to apologize? As one man from Bakersfield, California, said, "I know I did wrong, but so did she. In fact, her actions precipitated this whole thing. Why should I apologize when she's the one who started it?"
The problem with the waiting game is that the average life span for men and women is seventy-five years. How much of your adult life do you want to spend in a "cold war" relationship as each of you waits for the other to apologize? I've known couples who have spent thirty years living in the same house but were estranged because each expected the other to make the first move toward an apology.
A second reason that people choose not to apologize is that they feel justified in their behavior; the other person is at fault.
The person who justifies her own wrongful behavior is self-deluded. The man or woman who thinks that he/she never does anything that calls for an apology is living in an unrealistic world. The reality is, all of us sometimes make harsh, critical, and unloving statements, and we sometimes behave in hurtful and destructive ways. The person who refuses to recognize the need for an apology will have a life filled with broken relationships.
Often people's consciences have been trained to shift the guilt to someone else. They actually have an insensitive conscience, unable to see that the wrong rests with themselves.
Often an insensitive conscience is coupled with low self-esteem. They may have been taught by their parents that apologizing is an indication of weakness. The parents who model this philosophy usually have low self-esteem themselves. They often blame the children for any problems that develop in the family. Consequently, the children develop a sense of low self-esteem and carry this to the next generation. Because they strive so desperately to be a person of worth, and because they associate apologizing as a sign of weakness, they too will blame others for any relationship problems that emerge.
Individuals who suffer from low self-esteem, blame-shifting, and a strong aversion to apologizing will almost always need counseling in order to deal with these deeply ingrained patterns of thought, behavior, and emotions.
What these people do not know is this: Apologizing enhances one's self-esteem. People respect the man and the woman who are willing to take responsibility for their own failures. Receiving the respect and admiration of others thus enhances self-esteem. On the other hand, those who try to hide or excuse wrongful behavior will almost always lose the respect and affirmation of others, thus further compounding the problem of low self-esteem. However, the person who is caught up in this negative cycle will find it difficult to understand this reality.
Gary and I urge you to see professional counseling if you fall into these categories: low self-esteem, an underdeveloped conscience, or a tendency to blame others for problems. Your relationships will never reach their potential until you learn to apologize. You are, in fact, deeply hurting the important people in your life because of your unwillingness to apologize.
A third category of overly apologetic people are those who strongly dislike conflict and want to get the issue settled quickly so that things can "get back to normal." They are willing to accept responsibility and apologize even if they do not sense that they are at fault simply to get the issue settled. They don't like the emotional discomfort that comes from long discussions about the issue. They would much rather apologize, accept the responsibility, and hope that they can move on.
For these and thousands of others like them, they desire peace at any price. They would rather admit wrong if the arguments and conflicts will cease. Emotional calmness is more important than being right. While this may appear to be an admirable trait, it often simmers as inner resentment.
Such internalized resentment often creates emotional distance between two individuals. On the surface, things seem to be relatively calm, but underneath an emotional explosion is in the making.
If an individual senses such emotional resentment building, it is time to talk to a counselor, pastor, or trusted friend. Failure to process the resentment can lead to the destruction of a relationship. Peace at any price is not the road to authentic relationships. Apologies need to be sincere. When we apologize simply to avoid facing an issue rather than seeking genuine reconciliation, the apology ceases to be sincere. Remember, the purpose of apologies to receive forgiveness and reconciliation with the person you have offended.
From the chapter, Learning to Forgive
All sincere apologies have the same two goals: that the offender be forgiven and the relationship be reconciled. When forgiveness and reconciliation occur, the relationship can continue to grow.
Because we are all imperfect, we sometimes fail to treat each other with love, dignity, and respect; apologies and forgiveness therefore are essential elements to healthy relationships. Who apologizes first is unimportant. That each of you apologizes is all-important. An apology reaches out for forgiveness. So let’s look at the art of forgiving.
Forgiveness means we choose to lift the penalty, to pardon the offender. It means letting go of the offense and welcoming the offender back into your life. Forgiveness is not a feeling but a decision. It is the decision to continue growing in the relationship by removing the barrier.
If you’re the offended party, forgiveness means that you will not seek revenge, that you will not demand justice, that you will not let the offense stand between the two of you. Forgiveness results in reconciliation. This does not mean that trust is immediately restored. We will talk about that later. Reconciliation means that the two of you have put the issue behind you and are now facing the future together.
Most of us would like to have forgiveness when we fail. Therefore, we are encouraged to extend forgiveness to those who offend us. The ideal scenario is that when we have offended others, we take the initiative to apologize. We should be quick to confess our failures and seek forgiveness.
Some of our irritations in relationships are just that—irritations. But moral failures always stand as a barrier that can be removed only by apologizing and forgiveness.
What if the person who offended me does not come back to apologize? Then I am to lovingly confront the offender. What if the offender refuses to apologize—even when confronted with his/her wrong behavior? We are to approach the person a second time, telling them of the offense and giving them opportunity to apologize. Each time you are willing to forgive and seeking reconciliation. Ultimately, the offender may be unwilling to acknowledge the need of forgiveness and refuse to apologize for the wrong behavior. Don’t allow the other person’s refusal to apologize to keep you from apologizing. He or she may or may not forgive you, but when you have apologized, you will be able to look yourself in the mirror knowing that you are willing to admit your failures.
What if the person apologizes but she doesn’t speak your primary apology language? This is often the case. It would be ideal if everyone could learn to speak one another’s primary apology language. However, until that happens, perhaps your understanding the five languages of an apology will help you see their heart. Perhaps they are sincere and are apologize in the only language they know. This insight may help you forgive them even when they don’t speak your language.
Earlier we indicated that there are two common responses to an apology: to forgive or not to forgive. In reality, there is a third possible response: “Give me some time to think about it. I want to forgive you, but I’ve got to have some time to process all of this.”
Trust: The Tender Plant
Forgiveness and trust are not be equated. Because forgivness is a decision, it can be extended immediately when one perceives he has heard a sincere apology. However, trust is not a decision—it is rather an emotion. Trust is that gut-level confidence that you will do what you say you will do.
I like to visualize trust as a tender plant. When trust is violated, it is as though someone stepped on the plant and pushed it into the mud. The rain and the sun may eventually enable the plan to stand erect again, but it will not happen overnight. So how do we rebuild trust in a relationship when it has been violated? The answer is by being trustworthy one day at a time. A sincere apology and genuine forgiveness open the door to the possibility of trust growing again. Trust’s only hope of survival is the rain and sunshine of integrity.
In summary, forgiveness is a choice to lift the penalty and allow the person back into your life so that the relationship can continue to grow. Trust, on the other hand, returns in stages. When there is changed behavior over a period of time, you begin to feel more comfortable and optimistic about the other person. If this continues, eventually you will come to trust them fully again.
What Forgiveness Can’t Do
It is one of the fundamental realities of life: When we commit actions or speak words that are detrimental to another, the consequences of those actions and words are very fully removed, even with genuine forgiveness. Forgiveness does not remove the memory of the event. We speak of forgiving and forgetting. But ultimately, we never forget. Ever event in life is recorded in the brain. There is every potential that the event will return to the conscious mind again and again. We choose to focus on the future and not allow our minds to be obsessed with past failures that are now forgiven.
***If you want to know how to Apologize to different members of the family, teaching your child to apologize, apologizing in dating relationships, apologizing in the workplace, or apologizing to yourself, you’re going to have to source the book. If I type any more, these baby’s going to be a million pages long. ;-) ***